Martin Bashir says what we all think about Sarah Palin, loses job over it

This shit right here. You want to see violations of free speech? They’re nowhere more abundant than in our media, perfectly designed to keep any real talk from reaching the ears of the effortlessly-herded masses.

The story: Sarah Palin, the fungus-brained Alaskan ex-governor who stubbornly retains her semi-relevance by trolling the U.S. into thinking she’s going to run for president someday, is already on record for saying more stupid crap than a thousand Alec Baldwins. So it’s not really a surprise that she recently compared American debt to goddamn slavery. While most people probably rolled their eyes and said, “Okay Sarah, that’s great. You’re soooo going to be president someday,” the comment incensed MSNBC host Martin Bashir to the point that he gave this speech on the air:

“It’ll be like slavery. Given her well-established reputation as a world class idiot, it’s hardly surprising that she should choose to mention slavery in a way that is abominable to anyone who knows anything about its barbaric history. So here’s an example.

One of the most comprehensive first-person accounts of slavery comes from the personal diary of a man called Thomas Thistlewood, who kept copious notes for 39 years. Thistlewood was the son of a tenant farmer who arrived on the island of Jamaica in April 1750, and assumed the position of overseer at a major plantation. What is most shocking about Thistlewood’s diary is not simply the fact that he assumes the right to own and possess other human beings, but is the sheer cruelty and brutality of his regime.

In 1756, he records that “A slave named Darby catched eating canes; had him well flogged and pickled, then made Hector, another slave, s-h-i-t in his mouth.” This became known as Darby’s dose, a punishment invented by Thistlewood that spoke only of the slave owners savagery and inhumanity.

And he mentions a similar incident again in 1756, this time in relation to a man he refers to as Punch. “Flogged Punch well, and then washed and rubbed salt pickle, lime juice and bird pepper; made Negro Joe piss in his eyes and mouth.” I could go on, but you get the point.

When Mrs. Palin invoked slavery, she doesn’t just prove her rank ignorance. She confirms that if anyone truly qualified for a dose of discipline from Thomas Thistlewood, then she would be the outstanding candidate.”

Ouch. That’ll teach Sarah to equate our financial woes to the worst atrocity in human existence. Right? Haha! Of course not. Martin Bashir has since apologized to Palin and resigned from the network.

This is just another case in the baffling trend of people being made to apologize and QUIT THEIR FREAKING JOBS because they hurt someone’s feelings. No, the article doesn’t explicitly state he was forced to do these things, but would you willingly quit your job if you were Martin Bashir? I know if I implied Sarah Palin should be peed on in a speech delivered to the homes of thousands of viewers, it would take no less than an army battalion to get me off my high horse and carry me out of the studio, and even then I would be cheering my own name and carrying a trophy I gave to myself saying “#1 Coolest Badass, and Handsome Too,” and my apology would be somewhere along the lines of “I’m sorry you were ever encouraged to express your foul mind as a child. It has caused us all nothing but intense frustration and involuntary groans. Hey, wanna see my trophy?”

A little immature of Bashir? Maybe. Although I feel it’s just a thought that would cross the mind of any rational human being — I’m probably not the only one who could appreciate at least a little fecal matter reaching the vicinity of Sarah Palin’s mouth, since it might help balance all the shit that is ceaselessly spilling out of it — I concede that the comment might be considered somewhat juvenile in nature. However, there was a time when you weren’t forced to grovel every time you said something immature in an understandable fit of rage just to hold on to your career. This woman, who shouldn’t be let within 100 meters of a podium or TV camera anyway, is allowed to consistently vomit ignorant vitriol onto our already corroded national reputation, and if someone says something awesome like, “Man, what an idiot. Someone should poop on her,” he’s just one more hate-monger from the “lamestream media” and we won’t stop until we see him humiliated and ruined.

We live on a microscopic ball of water and trees in a vast expanse populated with billions of similar balls in a possible multiverse populated with possibly billions of similar expanses. One day the sun is going to blow up and disintegrate our entire solar system and that’s STILL not going to be an important event in the grand scheme of things. So hey, someone called you an idiot and it hurt your feelings? Here’s an idea: cry me a river, build a bridge, and stop wasting my time with your insecure bullshit.

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Why I’m Broke

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Dear thisiswhyimbroke.com: I’m broke because I am a grown man whose daily necessary expenditures outweigh a painfully inadequate income. I am not broke because I wanted to put a fucking giant nose in my shower.

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Book, Twitter

I finished my book. Soon I will submit it to Jumpin’ Jimmy’s Publish Barn/Chophouse, and once they accept it you will all know that I am a real writer and not just a guy pretending to write books in order to pick up chicks. Because as we all know, even for famous authors, this does not work.

Also, follow me on Twitter. @ChrisHaygood. For every new follower I get in the next six months, I will make a donation to my already massive yet somehow easily destructible ego.

And you can subscribe if you are a true bro/female bro. Seriously, shit is about to go down, probably, and I personally want YOU to be there for it, [name]. If shit stays up I will also inform you of that fact.

Real post coming soon. I promise.

What’s that? You’re not reading this right now, because no one is?

Then how did you respond, huh?

BUSTED

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Quvenzhane Wallis to the Onion: “Don’t call me a c*nt, sh*td*cks”

After an overwhelming backlash, the Onion released an apology on Monday for a tweet calling 9-year old actress Quvenzhane Wallis, who was nominated for Best Actress at the 85th annual Academy Awards Sunday, a “cunt.” The redress called the tweet “crude and offensive,” and a “senseless, humorless comment.”

It also appears to be very accurate.

“Quite honestly, anyone who says Quvenzhane isn’t a cunt hasn’t met her,” said Onion CEO Steve Hannah today in a surprising retraction of his apology. “Especially to us here at the Onion. Every so often Quvenzhane comes by the office, chomping on her cigar, whiskey heavy on her breath, and just starts spray painting the word ‘Bitches’ on everything. At first we tried to stop her but she would threaten to have her bodyguards come in and break our legs. So now we have someone on Quvenzhane graffiti cleaning duty, and we just sit through the abuse until it’s done, sighing and reminiscing back to the days when our work wasn’t interrupted by the cuntiness of a 9-year-old.”

The Onion staff have expounded on Wallis’s alleged cuntitude, with a few writers saying that Quvenzhane actually visits their houses to torment them personally. Said one, “A couple of times a week she comes by and says ‘Where’s my money?’ The first time I just laughed and said ‘What money, Quvenzhane?,’ and she punched me in the crotch. The next time I said ‘Please don’t punch me in the crotch again’ and she punched me in the crotch. She’s visited me a dozen times, and every time I get punched in the crotch, even when I give her money. One time I wore a protective cup. She had her bodyguards knock me down, and while I was on the ground she took the cup off and punched me in the crotch. I wish that cunt would just tell me what I’m supposed to do already and leave my crotch the hell alone.”

Another said, “Sometimes I’ll look outside and see Quvenzhane stealing my mailbox. She’ll just walk by, take my mailbox out of the ground, and carry it off. And I always think, ‘Hey cunt, that’s my mailbox.’ But of course I never say anything.”

Mr. Hannah claims to have felt the need to retract the apology after receiving a rambling, 4000-word long letter from Ms. Wallis in response to the tweet, which said, among other things:

 “Hey sh*td*cks, call me a c*nt one more time and see what f*cking happens. Do it, f*ggots. I’ll show you what a c*nt can do, f*cking Onion-ass p*ssy b*tches.”

– 9-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhane Wallis

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Ms. Wallis, about to tell a joke about rape

Hannah admitted that the tweet had been intended as a private correspondence between staff writers and was never meant to be published, and that the apology had been part “to lessen Ms. Wallis’s inevitable retaliation,” which he claimed would be “catastrophic regardless” because of her “cuntish disposition,” but that now, tired of being terrorized by a small child actress, he was going to quit hiding.

“You run from one cunt, you’ll be running from cunts all your life. Your life will be like one long cunt apocalypse.”

Quvenzhane’s parents were questioned about how their daughter was taking the comment. Mr. Wallis said, “Oh, did they finally find the little cunt? She took off with all our money last year, after setting fire to the house. I have to give blood like a thousand times a month just to keep up with loan payments on our new trailer home. You said she was nominated for an Oscar? Hey, that’s great. I don’t have any blood.”

When asked if they really never heard from their daughter, Mr. Wallis said, “Sure, she mails us from time to time. But it’s never letters. Just snakes.”

“Everyone who is upset at us for our comment just wouldn’t understand,” Mr. Hannah said in a closing statement. “But fine, I won’t call her a cunt anymore. I’ll put it another way, such as, ‘Let’s just say that she won’t be winning the ‘Not a Cunt’ award anytime soon.’”

Indeed, the Not Cunt Academy confirmed that she wasn’t even in the running.

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An update ten months after the one that promised a new update every week

I’m nothing but a dirty liar. Maybe not nothing but a dirty liar. I’m a decent cook, and I get along well with others. I’m nothing but an amiable, fairly kitchen-savvy, no-good dirty liar.

Why so long since my last post? Well, according to an old Confucian saying, “Life is full of events that keeps you from posting on blogs no one reads.” These words are as true today as they were last week. Although they weren’t as true in Confucius’s time. Everyone around him kind of wondered what the hell he was talking about. “Why would we want to post on logs?” they kept asking, and he responded, “I wasn’t talking to you. Stop writing down everything I say.” But they never listened. “You’re not the boss of us. We’ll write down whoever’s words of wisdom we want to write down, tough guy.” The point is, life, man. Wow. Dude. Life. Jeez.

I’m almost done with my second book. I’m so super serious about this. It’s like thirteen espressos away from being a finished product, and then I can prove to you naysayers that yes, I still do write stuff, and no, it’s not just the word “Book” 80,000 times. I mean, why would you even suggest that.

Meanwhile, I have something new to add to the Publications page:

PeopleofFewWordsThe short story I published last year called “The Monkey’s Hand: A Fable” has been included in this print anthology from The Short Humour Site. It’s a great collection, and not just because my picture is on the cover. In fact, some people say that’s not even one of the main selling points. I’m not sure I would go that far. Remember, it’s all just words until somebody gets hurt. Anyway, it can be purchased here for around six bucks. Six bucks for fifty stories. That’s, like, a dollar a story. What a deal!

That’s all I have to say for now. I guess I’ll post again “when the time is right.” Or “when you least expect it.” Or when I “get off my ass.” One of those.

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‘Supdate

Hey,

‘Sup.

So, obviously I haven’t been around for a while. So what? Does that mean I turned to a life of crime? No. The point is, don’t believe everything the news media tells you, those shows are just looking for ratings.

I have many reasons for not making updates, which are:

1. I’ve been focusing on writing my second book. One book can only take you so far. Ask anyone who has more than one kid why they decided to have another, and they’ll say something like “Oh, you know, one kid was nice for a while, but then we got bored with its stupid, stupid face. It’s like, ‘God, get a new face, you fugly weirdo.'” It’s a little like that. I’m about 27,000 words into it, and I’ll update more once I get up to about 27,001, which probably won’t be for another month and a half if current trends continue.

2. I’m still writing for other publications, such as the best video game satire website ever. I haven’t written an article for it in a few weeks due to time constraints, but I’m currently working on a couple that will hopefully be up soon. This one and this one and this one and this one are a few of my favorite pieces, so check them out if you’d like to see what occupies my “valuable” time. And hey, check the other writers’ stuff out too, if you’re so inclined. It’s all good. Also, did you know I write game reviews occasionally? Neither did I, but apparently it’s true. Like, here I wrote a review for Rayman Origins, and here I wrote one for Mario Kart 7. And look at that! A Skyrim review. I don’t know when this started happening, but I’ll be sure to update the Publications page soon if I keep witnessing this inexplicable phenomenon.

3. I’m still trying to get some short pieces into publishable shape so I can resume submitting them. By “still trying” I mean, of course, that once every two months I open up some random word documents, fix some clauses, and drink myself to sleep. But I’ll be working on this area of my life a lot more assiduously very soon, and hopefully I’ll be able to update the Publications page with some fiction soon.

4. There are only like nine people reading this. Don’t believe me? Go ahead, ask someone you know if they are currently reading this. Chances are they’ll say no. That proves it. But whatever. You nine people kick ass and you obviously have good taste when it comes to self-serving writer’s blogs.

5. My life of crime has really been I MEAN

So that’s me lately. I do, hand-to-appendix, plan on updating this thing a lot more often, hopefully at least once a week, which I’d like to continue for at least one week. Hey, look! Quota met. See you in August.

Thank you for reading. Here is your reward. Have a great day.

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4 reasons not to participate in NaNoWriMo

National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo for the “hip” and “friendless,” is an event spanning the month of November during which would-be writers with ADD prove that they can write 50,000 words before being distracted by their next hobby, usually liberal politics or mustache finger tattoos. I think that’s the official description.

There’s no doubt why this appeals to so many. Writing is a lonely sport, the most dangerous game, oh the humanity, etc. It’s nice to know you’ve got a bunch of people doing the exact same thing; even if writing is still not a social activity, there’s a modicum of comfort in knowing you’re part of greater effort.

But let’s get real here: this is to actual writing what playing in a sandbox is to being stranded on a desert island. For most people, it’s a novelty more than a long-term activity, a quick, watered-down trip for people with “write a novel” on their bucket lists. And if you’re a “writing tourist,” by all means go for it. Hope you have fun. But if writing’s what you want to do in life, NaNoWriMo will do little for you unless you’re just starting out and need a jump-off point, and here’s a quick list of reasons why.

1. National Novel Writing Month is every month. Here’s the thing novice writers don’t understand about writing: if you hope to improve or even get anything done, you have to write every day. Of the year. Every year. This includes holidays, days off, funerals, comas, days you’re tied to a rock in the jungle while cannibals are cutting open your skull, possibly even Columbus Day. This scares a lot of people for some reason. If you find the idea of hammering out some paragraphs on Chinese New Year (No! Make it stop!) frightening, perhaps writing isn’t your deal. But if you like to write, you like to write, and you’ll gladly do it even when a makeshift scalpel is being used to excise your prefrontal lobe as a gift to the village elder.

2. The novel doesn’t end at “The End.” If anyone has ever told you about their experiences with NaNoWriMo, it probably began with them blurting out the first chance they got that they “wrote a novel.” “I wrote a novel!” they’ll cry, blasting their superiority at you like an ion beam cannon. “You don’t respect my novel? Fuck you!”

Here’s the thing, Bragg Braggerson: your novel sucks. With NaNoWriMo, you’re carrying only the burden of a word count (50,000 words, which, by the way, isn’t as an outrageous amount for one month as you may think), without following through with the process of editing. Writing the thing is the fun, easy part, but editing is the beast that refuses to be tamed. You’ll still be cutting words and paragraphs and even whole characters months after your first rough draft, and you’ll think I thought I was done with this shit a minimum of 900,000 times. And the more you read your novel, the more terrible you’ll think it is, and the more amateurish your writing will seem, and god help you if you find that a whole chunk of your story turns out to have been subconsciously lifted from something Mark Twain wrote in the 1870s. That’s another dozen hours you’ll spend developing claustrophobia at your increasingly cramped desk taking out that bit about a kid named Tom Sawyer tricking all the kids in town to paint a fence for him (but in all honesty you should have known better).

Yes, 50,000 words, although short for a novel, is pretty impressive. But what’s more impressive is conquering the editing process without hanging yourself. And since NaNoWriMo has no standard of quality to follow, I’m guessing 85% of participants put their horrible rough drafts away as soon as December 1st rolls around and immediately set out on the Great Bragging Pilgrimage. Hey, by the way…

3. If you’re the type of person who is going to brag about doing this, stop right now. As previously mentioned, NaNoWriMoers (what the real hip kids call it) love talking about the novel they finished. They also love talking about how they “do it every year” and lament their “lack of time come November,” but reiterate that “it’s so worth it.”

Hey: you’re suddenly talking to somebody who wants to slip an organ-liquidating virus into your four-dollar mocha. If the victim of your mental masturbation isn’t in fact also participating in NaNoWriMo (which would be pointless, since the whole reason for bragging in the first place is to display superiority, an impossibility if the person sitting next to you is accomplishing the exact same thing you are), that person probably doesn’t want to hear it. My guess is that if every NaNoWriMoer grasped at once that no one cared about their “feat” as much as they do, the participation rate would plummet like an expired ham off an overpass. 

4. If you pronounce the abbreviation, NaNoWriMo sounds like a deaf person saying “Geronimo.” 

This all being said, I acknowledge that NaNoWriMo can be a big help for certain people. For those just starting out writing seriously, for instance, this would be excellent preparation for the daily solitary confinement it takes to do so. And yes, there is a lot of justified pride to be felt after writing 50,000 words. But if you’re a novelist with any experience and you participate in this thing for bragging rights, or, more likely, because you feel you have to be a part of any big writing event, you may be wasting your time. If you’re going to write, just write, regardless if it’s November, July, Stanuary (the quickly discontinued 13th month), and even, if you can live with yourself, Flag Day.

But feel free to disregard everything I just wrote. After all, my last post was about pimp canes.

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