The Titles of the Last Five Things I Wrote, Or, Why I’m Unpublished

I recently started dusting off my Rough Drafts folder and looking for stuff to submit for publishing — 2011 is going to be a big year for me, submissions-wise — and I found some things that really made me feel relieved that I’m not getting paid right now for what I do. It means someone out there is exercising good judgment and fiscal responsibility, which are rare traits in this day and age.

These are the titles and brief descriptions of the last five things I wrote:

Timeblog: 35,000 B.C. This piece is about an emotional caveman who writes history’s first blog, presumably on stone, and presumably while listening to Nine Inch Nails. The sense of isolation and torment are particularly powerful in the fact that no one will ever read this.

Weird Al’s Publicist’s One-Man Intervention. Written in the same vein as one of McSweeney’s “short imagined monologues,” this is exactly what it sounds like: after Weird Al Yankovic’s abusing of the luxuriant lifestyle of a musical parodist goes too far, someone has to draw the line. Could be based on a true story — who’s to say?

Misunderstood Geniuses: Sid Phillips Edition. Yes, the villain from Toy Story. I may actually post this one on here, seeing as how the chances of it getting published are slightly less than zero.

The Uptight Man In Comedy Movies Whose Toupee Always Manages To Fly Off Ruminates On His Wasted Existence. I thought it was about time he was given a voice.

It’s Not As Gay As It Sounds. Another monologue featuring a man explaining to a friend why the blatantly homoerotic things he does are “totally not gay.” Obviously this is the classiest one of all.

To be fair to myself, I’ve been working on much larger projects than these, which I wrote mainly to give me things to complete and make me feel productive. The two rules of the writer are, after all, to read everyday and write everyday, and there are quotas that need filling.

To be unfair to myself: Sid Phillips? Really?


About Chris Haygood

Chris Haygood is an author of novels, short stories, and screenplays. He lives in one of the darker sectors of the cosmos with his wife, two kids, and 1700 dogs.
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2 Responses to The Titles of the Last Five Things I Wrote, Or, Why I’m Unpublished

  1. Marjolein says:

    lol They sound different from anything I have ever read haha! The first one sounds actually really good though!
    Though with the Weird Al and the Sid Phillips one you might actually get yourself into trouble with copyright etc. if you get them published. ^^ That something that you really really have to watch out for when publishing stuff.

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