A scourge is something that causes misery or death. They come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes, and they vacillate between levels of intensity, or “scourginess” — i.e., one person’s Newt Gingrich is another person’s Black Plague (although that comparison is a little unfair to the Black Plague).
The only sure thing is that there are a whole bunch of them, from the huge scourges (“It’s raining nuclear missiles!”) to the negligible (“It’s raining number-two pencils!”). And since the gigantic scourges are so prominent, the little scourges are often overlooked. So here, in a convenient list form, are twenty scourges of varying scourginess that I feel could potentially destroy the planet if left to their own devices.
[True fact: I thought up, and typed, everything on this list in only four seconds.]
3. The word “blog”
4. People who say “sorry, I couldn’t resist” after making a convenient but very unfunny joke (Me: “I ate at Subway earlier.” Some rube: “Eat fresh! Haha sorry, I couldn’t resist!” Me: *Rips jawbone out of rube’s face*)
5. 24-hour news stations
6. World hunger
7. World fatness
8. Skinny jeans, Ugg boots, and any other piece of fashion retardation you automatons feel the need to scar my eyes with at all times
9. Anything Rupert Murdoch has ever touched, breathed on, or looked at mischievously
10. People who call things “plain Jane” when “plain” would suffice (Rube: “Yeah, my friend Sharla wears Ugg boots, but my shoes tend to be a little more plain Jane.” Me: *Takes jawbone from last rube and jams it into brain of current one*)
11. Facebook. No, seriously. It’s making you a worse person.
12. The Westboro Baptist Church
13. The soul-crushing, humanity-devaluating sham that is life in the Internet Age
14. Butterfly tattoos
15. Everything in Australia except koalas and the Opera House
16. Whoever keeps giving a shit about celebrities’ clothes at awards ceremonies (I’ve never met you, but apparently you’re out there)
17. Eh, let’s say Nazis
18. Anyone who has impersonated Quagmire from Family Guy more than twice (yes, that means you)
19. Our war-hungry alternate dimension counterparts
20. People with perfect vision who wear glasses “ironically.” These people deserve their own post, really, as they are in a league of scourginess Ebola couldn’t hope to achieve.
There. Twenty things that should be destroyed, immediately and without question. Then we’ll only have 199,000+ crappy things to deal with (all of which will, of course, be listed in future posts).
But perhaps I’m being a bit unfair. I know that not everything is terrible; life is actually pretty nice once you learn to appreciate the right things, those little pleasures all around us that we don’t always acknowledge. So here is a list of all the things that I feel hold the salvation for humankind — that is, things that make life on Earth the beautiful, majestic wonder that it is.
1. Punching a face
Ah, that felt good. You see? There are just as many pleasures in life as there are annoyances. You just have to be optimistic. “Life is an order of french fries,” as I never say. “It’s rough and salty and teenagers are always spitting on mine.”