A Debate with a Man Who is Just Realizing that He is on Fire

Me: Is it really such a big deal that people immigrate into the country illegally? I wonder. What is a country, after all, but a vast group of like-minded individuals coexisting in a single social structure? Should being born within one set of borders keep us permanently loyal to them? Is that not the very antithesis of freedom?

Opponent: I smell smoke.

Me: Trust me, I’m not just blowing smoke here. I’ve done my research, and I just can’t see what everyone’s so worried about. Losing jobs? You won’t have to worry about that unless you’re a janitor, and even then—

Opponent: Something’s definitely burning. And why I am I sweating all of a sudden?

Me: Please don’t interrupt. We each will have our say, and the other can counter the argument when it is his turn. Now as I was—

Opponent: Oh my GOD I’M ON FIRE!

Me: What? This debate just started and you’ve barely said anything! You’re hardly ‘on fire.’ Get over yourself. Now, tell me what you think about anchor babies.

Opponent: AAAAHHHH! PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT!

Me: Oh, that’s just like you Republicans, thinking all our problems can be solved by deportation. I’ll have you know that our ancestors were immigrants themselves! Would you put them out?

Opponent: PUT ME OUT!

Me: You? Are you an illegal immigrant? Then you of all people should know—

Opponent: WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE?!

Me: Wooaah buddy, I don’t exactly see you protesting in the streets. What an ad hominem approach! You are quickly losing this debate, sir.

Opponent: OH GOD STOP DROP ROLL STOP DROP ROLL STOP DROP ROLL

Me: “Drop” … “Roll” …  Is that drug lingo? Are you calling me a hippie? Oh, I see. You’re referring to a potential rise in narcotics traffic if immigration becomes too rampant. Interesting point, but where’s your evidence? And stand up, please. This is a debate.

Opponent: IT’S NOT WORKING! GET ME SOME WATER!

Me: I … I’m afraid I can’t read you. “Not working” … Are you talking about unemployment benefits being undeserved? And then something about worldwide thirst? Clarify please.

Opponent: THE PAIN! OH THE PAIN!

Me: And now the ethics of using torture? You certainly are eclectic in your views, but we won’t reach any kind of understanding if you keep introducing new topics. Let’s keep it simple. What are your thoughts on the death penalty?

Opponent: *Is now just a smoking carcass in the middle of the floor*

Me: Silence. Typical. Don’t worry: You’re by far not the first person I’ve destroyed in a debate.

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About Christopher Haygood

Christopher Haygood is an incorrigible punk from the darkest sector of Nowheresville. He is a writer of novels, short stories, articles, screenplays, threats, and fake prescriptions for the unsuspecting elderly. He is not yet infamous.
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