14 Additional Scourges of the Earth

Since the first scourge list only covered a tiny fraction of the total scourges out there, I feel it’s my duty to follow up with more of what is terrible about the world. You’re welcome.

[True fact: I merely pressed my hand on my keyboard by accident and this list compiled itself. Pointing out scourges comes naturally to me.]

21. People who say “might can.” “I might can do it.” If you say this around me, you might can get your teeth kicked in.
22. Warts. When the hell are we going to evolve past warts.
23. Candiru fish
24. Poems/statues/paintings/raps/children’s books about vaginas
25. Whoever keeps sentencing Lindsay Lohan to “X days in prison with the possibility of getting out immediately.” The only obvious punishment at this point is setting her adrift on an ice floe.
26. Nipple rings, specifically men who have them
27. Hipsters who disown their favorite things once those things reach a certain level of popularity, revealing said hipsters to be nothing more than social whores whose only security in life is to have others accept the fake personalities they’ve crammed into the empty cavities that once contained their souls
28. Vagazzling
29. Uppity college kids
30. People who have done literally nothing with their lives, yet somehow have the audacity to sit around the house complaining that they’re “bored”
31. Crocs. I know I’m two years late but I still feel ashamed to be part of the same species that wore Crocs. I’ll never let you live it down, humanity.
32. Anyone who claims Hunter S. Thompson as a favorite author without having read any of his books
33. Osama Bin Laden

Scourge Boss (lvl. 53, HP 99,000):

34. The Kardashians, and whoever won’t help me strangle the Kardashians, because as bad as these vortexes of vapidity and brain damage are by themselves, anyone who voluntarily has anything to do with them – and is not researching how to avert the potential collapse of Western civilization – is only fostering the problem.

And there we go. That brings the total up to a nice 34 documented blights on the planet. Be sure to do your part in eliminating these menaces; for instance, if you see anyone with a wart, pay to have it removed, and if you see a man wearing Crocs, pay to “have him removed” (as in, from existence). But I know reminding people about all the things they should hate isn’t a very cheerful topic, so again, I have compiled an equally long list of things we have to be thankful for.

3. Roundhouse kicks
4. Castlevania III

Ahhh. Don’t you feel refreshed after reading that? There truly is equilibrium between bad and good.

Just remember what I always say: “Be Worry, Don’t Happy.”

Candiru image source.

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About Christopher Haygood

Christopher Haygood is an incorrigible punk from the darkest sector of Nowheresville. He is a writer of novels, short stories, articles, screenplays, threats, and fake prescriptions for the unsuspecting elderly. He is not yet infamous.
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One Response to 14 Additional Scourges of the Earth

  1. Jake says:

    Not sure what these Kardashians are you speak of… are they a type of spice? Which foods should I avoid applying them to? Keep the scourges coming though! I need my monthly dose of scourges!

    Also, who is this Lindsay Lohan character? Does she go to jail a lot?

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