I realize haven’t updated in a while, and there are two reasons for that. The first is that I’ve been working on a number of projects other than fiction and literary inanity and they’ve taken up a lot of my time. More on those in future updates.
The second is that since the first and second scourge lists, scourges have been running rampant. I’ve had my hands full fighting them, but they just keep coming and frankly I can’t last much longer without some backup. So once again, here are some blights on the planet that you need to look out for. Destroy them if at all possible.
[True fact: if something’s a “fact,” it’s already true. But whatever.]
35. Laugh tracks
37. That feeling you get when someone is telling you something you already know, and you just want to say, “Yeah, I already know that, dicksmith,” but you don’t want to sound rude, so you just nod your head and make vague noises of confirmation
38. The Hangover
39. The Hangover Part 2
40. The Hangover Part 3 (for future reference)
41. This asshole
42. Forgetting to turn your alarm off after waking up early, so that later you’re in the middle of doing something and suddenly the most horrid screeching blasts into your ears and ruins your day
43. People who list their “interests” as any of the following: having fun, hanging out with friends, drinking, the UFC, scary movies, BMX, simply “music”
44. Armadillos that die from wounds. What’s the point of even having armor you idiots.
45. People whose inspired advice for finding a job is “check Craig’s List.” That’s brilliant. Craig’s List is by far the easiest way to be one out of 1300 people applying for a single job that no one wants to do. But no, really, thanks a lot.
46. People who insist on saying “complete and utter.” “That’s complete and utter crap.” Hey, those words completely and utterly mean the same damn thing.
47. Face tattoos. We get it, you’re untrustworthy.
48. While we’re on the topic, those infernal mustache finger tattoos. GOD I HATE YOU PEOPLE
49. Adding “-gate” to the end of every scandal since Watergate. Why. Just why.
50. Randomness in popular culture
Fifty! This is cause for a celebration. So let’s pop open some scourgey champagne (4.99 from 7-Eleven) and relax with another list of blessings to balance out the scourges and help us remember that this truly is the best of all possible worlds.
5. Guitar solos
Eh, that one was a little lengthy. I think I’ll add another scourge now to balance that list out.
51. Pretty much everything Sonic the Hedgehog has become since the start of the 21st century. Mario definitely won that battle.
If you have any scourges you would like to bring attention to, feel free to post them. You never know: your inaction might just become a scourge in itself.