Komodo Dragon Facts

I’m in the middle of moving right now, so I haven’t had time to update this thing I call a bl*g. I felt this was obligatory.

Also, notice the Twitter thing to the right and do with it what you will.

Now, time for some Komodo dragon facts.

Komodo Dragon Facts

1. Komodo dragons are not dragons, just big, stupid lizards

2. Komodo dragons do not breathe fire

3. There is no record of a Komodo dragon slaying a knight or guarding a mountain of treasure or doing anything cool

4. More children become prematurely jaded and cynical from Googling a picture of a Komodo dragon than from any other life experience, including finding out Santa isn’t real and that Walt Disney was a racist

5. Komodo dragons cause an average of 7,000 human deaths a year: eight from untreated bite wounds, and 6,992 from suicides of people who realize that if it’s alright to take something that is clearly not a dragon and call it a dragon, the universe is truly a senseless space of random events and nothing has any meaning

6. They don’t even have wings. Seriously, did any research go into this? No book in the world describes a dragon as “a fat, flightless iguana that bites a cow and waits for it to die a week later.”

7. No, I’m not done. Who is the asshole who gave it such a misleading name? It’s like if I invited everyone to my house and said, “Now I will reveal to you an actual living pterodactyl! Behold!” and they said, “That’s just a peacock,” and I said, “Well yeah, what did you think it was going to be, a pterodactyl?” I’d get lynched.

8. Because of facts 1-7, Komodo dragons are the worst animals

9. In all likelihood, Komodo dragons caused the holocaust, AIDS, and original sin

10. Komodo dragons assassinated Archduke Ferdinand and caused WWI

11. Komodo dragons staged the moon landing

12. A Komodo dragon is the lead singer of Fallout Boy

13. Komodo dragons kill Dumbledore

14. Komodo dragons are why we can’t have nice things

15. Komodo dragons suck.

YOU FRAUD

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About Christopher Haygood

Christopher Haygood is an incorrigible punk from the darkest sector of Nowheresville. He is a writer of novels, short stories, articles, screenplays, threats, and fake prescriptions for the unsuspecting elderly. He is not yet infamous.
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