All I’m ever going to write about pimp canes

Certain occupations require tools that are particular to that occupation, like the firehose (firefighter) and the hackey sack (unemployed). Usually these job-related tools are used for some clear purpose, but sometimes you’ll see tools that have no discernible use, and are carried around “just because.” Case in point: the pimp cane.

Description

Pimp canes are similar to regular canes, except tackier, sillier and more likely to act as a sign that the owner has contracted some sort of venereal malady. According to Google Images, they often have decorations on the handle akin to car hood ornaments that are shaped like dice, 8-balls, and snake heads.

My honest guess at the price range of pimp canes

$35.99-$25,000. The low-end models you could probably find at a costume shop, whereas the more expensive brands are reserved for rappers and the Pope. I guess you could pick up a fallen branch from the park and use it as a pimp cane for free, but then you run the risk of people thinking you aren’t a true professional.

Me trying to deduce what pimp canes are actually used for

Well, canes are traditionally used to aid people in walking, such as the elderly and people with bad legs. But I’ve never known pimps to have bad legs. I’ve never seen a pimp with a limp. So I assume pimp canes are employed much like a king’s scepter: as a shiny symbol of power to let everyone know that the owner has the authority. However, in a democracy such as ours authority comes from the consent of the governed, and very few people would consent to be governed by a pimp. Therefore, the pimp cane is nothing more than an expensive item that symbolizes that the owner is, indeed, of the pimping persuasion.

It’s possible, though, that the pimp cane contains DARK MAGIC.

A musing on the pimp’s acquisition of his cane

Do pimps buy their pimp canes themselves, or is there a head pimp that awards lower pimps their canes after a job well done, like a pimp earning his wings?* Because it seems like if you allowed just any random individual to purchase a pimp cane, they could all claim to be pimps without doing anything to earn the prestige.

Burn in hell, whitey.

Another theory is that all pimps are trained from an early age at a secret school in the English countryside. The kids start out with miniature pimp canes and receive the real deal upon graduation.

This would also confirm the DARK MAGIC theory from earlier.

Now let’s just say, hypothetically, that I own a pimp cane.

People I assume would respond positively to me owning a pimp cane

Teenagers
Children who think I’m the king of some far-off land, or a gaudy wizard

People I assume would respond negatively to me owning a pimp cane

My friends
My family
My neighbors
Myself
Random passersby
Businessmen
Policemen
Firemen
Politicians
Religious figureheads
Parents
Teachers
Other pimps
Owners of whichever pimp cane stores I didn’t buy it from
Everyone else

It's really not my fault that the best pimp canes all come from Disney.

Things I might tell people if they asked me why I was walking around town with a pimp cane

“I’m not entirely sure.”
“I’m sorry.”

Things I would rather have on the top of my pimp cane than a diamond or a snake head or whatever

A pencil eraser
A Monopoly wheelbarrow
A hand giving a thumbs up
A sign that reads “Help!” that I would use to convey fear to the audience when I realize I have accidentally walked off a cliff
A ring, so I could wear my pimp cane on my finger when I got tired of carrying it
A Pez dispenser
A sign that reads “My life decisions don’t always look so great in retrospect”
A rope. Holy shit if I could swing my pimp cane around I’d never be bored

Lesser-known pimp-related things

Pimp cone
Pimp coins
Pimp Cannes (a film festival for the more cultured pimps on the pimp spectrum)
Pimp crane (purple vehicle with fur trim used to construct pimp buildings)
Pimp code (like the Konami code, except instead of granting you thirty lives in Contra it only give you one stupid real one)
Pimpicide (also known as pimp murder)
Pimp-action shotgun (you don’t want to know)
Herpes

A picture I found while looking for pimp cane images

Closing thoughts

There’s something to be said about modern society when a man can walk down the street dressed like King Lear and make you think nothing other than, “That guy must have herpes.”

*There should be a pimp version of It’s a Wonderful Life that involves a man about to commit suicide by jumping into Smakaho River, only to be saved by a pimp with a heart of gold. And it ends with the line, “Every time a bell rings, a pimp earns his cane.” Someone should make this movie. Not me though, because it’s a really bad idea that I don’t want to be associated with.

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About Christopher Haygood

Christopher Haygood is an incorrigible punk from the darkest sector of Nowheresville. He is a writer of novels, short stories, articles, screenplays, threats, and fake prescriptions for the unsuspecting elderly. He is not yet infamous.
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