Quvenzhane Wallis to the Onion: “Don’t call me a c*nt, sh*td*cks”

After an overwhelming backlash, the Onion released an apology on Monday for a tweet calling 9-year old actress Quvenzhane Wallis, who was nominated for Best Actress at the 85th annual Academy Awards Sunday, a “cunt.” The redress called the tweet “crude and offensive,” and a “senseless, humorless comment.”

It also appears to be very accurate.

“Quite honestly, anyone who says Quvenzhane isn’t a cunt hasn’t met her,” said Onion CEO Steve Hannah today in a surprising retraction of his apology. “Especially to us here at the Onion. Every so often Quvenzhane comes by the office, chomping on her cigar, whiskey heavy on her breath, and just starts spray painting the word ‘Bitches’ on everything. At first we tried to stop her but she would threaten to have her bodyguards come in and break our legs. So now we have someone on Quvenzhane graffiti cleaning duty, and we just sit through the abuse until it’s done, sighing and reminiscing back to the days when our work wasn’t interrupted by the cuntiness of a 9-year-old.”

The Onion staff have expounded on Wallis’s alleged cuntitude, with a few writers saying that Quvenzhane actually visits their houses to torment them personally. Said one, “A couple of times a week she comes by and says ‘Where’s my money?’ The first time I just laughed and said ‘What money, Quvenzhane?,’ and she punched me in the crotch. The next time I said ‘Please don’t punch me in the crotch again’ and she punched me in the crotch. She’s visited me a dozen times, and every time I get punched in the crotch, even when I give her money. One time I wore a protective cup. She had her bodyguards knock me down, and while I was on the ground she took the cup off and punched me in the crotch. I wish that cunt would just tell me what I’m supposed to do already and leave my crotch the hell alone.”

Another said, “Sometimes I’ll look outside and see Quvenzhane stealing my mailbox. She’ll just walk by, take my mailbox out of the ground, and carry it off. And I always think, ‘Hey cunt, that’s my mailbox.’ But of course I never say anything.”

Mr. Hannah claims to have felt the need to retract the apology after receiving a rambling, 4000-word long letter from Ms. Wallis in response to the tweet, which said, among other things:

 “Hey sh*td*cks, call me a c*nt one more time and see what f*cking happens. Do it, f*ggots. I’ll show you what a c*nt can do, f*cking Onion-ass p*ssy b*tches.”

– 9-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhane Wallis


Ms. Wallis, about to tell a joke about rape

Hannah admitted that the tweet had been intended as a private correspondence between staff writers and was never meant to be published, and that the apology had been part “to lessen Ms. Wallis’s inevitable retaliation,” which he claimed would be “catastrophic regardless” because of her “cuntish disposition,” but that now, tired of being terrorized by a small child actress, he was going to quit hiding.

“You run from one cunt, you’ll be running from cunts all your life. Your life will be like one long cunt apocalypse.”

Quvenzhane’s parents were questioned about how their daughter was taking the comment. Mr. Wallis said, “Oh, did they finally find the little cunt? She took off with all our money last year, after setting fire to the house. I have to give blood like a thousand times a month just to keep up with loan payments on our new trailer home. You said she was nominated for an Oscar? Hey, that’s great. I don’t have any blood.”

When asked if they really never heard from their daughter, Mr. Wallis said, “Sure, she mails us from time to time. But it’s never letters. Just snakes.”

“Everyone who is upset at us for our comment just wouldn’t understand,” Mr. Hannah said in a closing statement. “But fine, I won’t call her a cunt anymore. I’ll put it another way, such as, ‘Let’s just say that she won’t be winning the ‘Not a Cunt’ award anytime soon.’”

Indeed, the Not Cunt Academy confirmed that she wasn’t even in the running.


About Chris Haygood

Chris Haygood is an author of novels, short stories, and screenplays. He lives in one of the darker sectors of the cosmos with his wife, two kids, and 1700 dogs.
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